When You're Toast

There are crumbs under the oven. Grr.

A week ago, for a long while, I scrubbed, sprayed, wiped, washed, and sweat.  
No crumbs, then.

You could tell, the clean. Not at all Pine-Sol'ish, just clean. I could breathe. I smiled.

There's just something about clean. Fresh. Scrubbed.  A new start.

Until life happens. Dinner. Lunch after that. Then snacks for small group a few days later.

Crumbs. Everywhere. Again. Even in the corners. Again.

Same for my heart. The new started out fresh, clean, like the smell of a forest. Hope.

And in short order, my heart is full of crumbs. His life word is right, "Whatever is in your heart determines what you say" Matt 12:34.

He is the Word. Of Life.

I don't want to be a downer. But, seeing so many crumbs is discouraging.

He came to cleanse us. I get it. I know it in my head. 

And yet I'm still crumby. In my heart. And my mouth.

I'm just in that spot - of seeing all the crumbs. Overwhelmed. It's why I haven't written.  
Who wants to read about someone else's crumbs? Right?

So, in the midst of where I am, I have to choose.

More crumbs. Or, hope.

He is my Hope.

Hope that He is working, even when I see things that show He isn't.
Hope that He's changing me, somehow.

Because Hebrews 12:2 says He's the author and perfecter of my faith.

Praising Him for that!


 
  

 

 

I Don't Know

"Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us."  
Pressfield said it well.

It resonates, doesn't it? (someone, please say yes, don't leave me out here alone on this one). I mean, really, how many people do you know who are living, really, the life they know they are called or led to? Are you living that life? I'm not. But I want it so bad I can hardly handle it, deep down.

 

He is Life

I'm not sure if the author is a Believer or not, but his words connect in that deep place. They draw truth that soothes, even though the truth itself is unsettling.

He is settling Truth, the deepest kind

There are several of us, in my little circle, wrestling with the fear of stepping into that unlived life. The life we know (or think we know, which creates half the fear) is out there, calling.

She quit her job, took out a loan and stepped into school for her dream job. And now, she sleeps at night. She's starting to live the unlived life.

He's shin deep in the river, so brave. Having no idea what's on the other side.

But even deeper, is the truth that spiritually, we - okay, I - don't live the full, victorious Christian life that the Spirit enables me to live. I life a "meh" life. Neutral. At best. Usually not even that good, to be honest.

To be honest, I'm not even sure how to live that unlived life. That life where the Spirit is speaking so clearly that I'm not confused. The life in which I move in Him, not in myself. The life that He works so much fruit out of, that I wear a hat like the Chiquita Banana lady.

I want that life in a way that I can't even express.  The burn is deep, unsettling and intense. And it won't go away.

He is Persistent

So, what do you do when you think you see glimpses of the unlived life, knowing it's inside, but don't know how to get it out? When it burns inside of you, but it's not materializing?

I have no idea. Really, I don't. 

So, I trust in the One Who does know.

He Knows. I don't

And I wait for that truth to soothe.

He is Worthy!


   

Saying it Outloud

I'll just be candid - I don't know quite where this one is going.  
Give me grace, please.

I could tell from the tone in her message that something was up. This amazing woman. But I wasn't prepared for those words yesterday. Words you hear other families have to deal with, but don't expect them in your own family, intruding, commanding attention, shoving into empty spaces. Nodes on liver. Spread from colon. Stage 4. Oncologist tomorrow.

Those words fall heavy. Actually, they don't fall heavy at first. No, first, they float, weird. Hanging around, trying to find a place to land, make sense. Are they sure? Really? They can't be right, mom.

But today, they're falling heavy. It's real. It's not going anywhere.

She's been through so much. She's one strong lady - she said so today. I love that about her. She gets up every time. She dusts herself off, slowly, quietly, achy, and keeps gripping onto His hand. Holding on for dear life, because she knows He's the only source of true life. She knows that. Praise God!

He is True Life.

God is in control, He loves her more than I can understand, this amazing woman from whom I came. She has no idea how gently she impresses - her, so loving, quiet in spirit, a faithful prayer warrior for her girls, compassionate and tender friend, sister, grandma. How gently she has loved me, this loud, opinionated, stubborn child so different from her.  How gently she loves. How deeply she feels and thinks. How deeply she trusts in Him. Especially now.

The prayer I mailed a few weeks ago, while cancer was secretly working inside her, we couldn't know how God would answer it. The prayer, for Him to show Himself to her in a fresh, new way. That she would know His love in the depths of her bones, in places it had never reached, convincing her of who she is in Him. A loved daughter of the King! After she uttered the doctor's words, she reminded me of the prayer, marveled at how He's beginning to answer. Huh? You're amazing, mom!

This was NOT what I had in mind when I wrote that prayer. It's not up to me. He knows what's best. He is trustworthy. Even when ugly words enter a family's life.

But we have Him! He is stronger than our challenges. We have His love, power, promise that He will work it for good. LORD, we don't see how right now! That He will never leave us in the midst. Praise His name! We need You! That He is constantly with us. Watching, knowing, guiding, comforting. Give us wisdom, guide our steps! So, that's what we cling to. Him. His face. His hand. His word. Him!

He is Everything!

This is where the rubber meets the road, Sweet ones. Where we learn about Him and His character in ways we never anticipated. I trust Him for that! I need Him so much!

Be glorified, LORD. Be glorified!

Choosing to Fall

The words stopped me in thought. No easy task...

...the desire for eternal fruit and an expanded ministry involves choosing to die to everything except the work of God in our life. Jesus promises that in losing our life, we will gain His...

He is Life.

The beauty and vibrancy of these months takes my breath away. And it falls away so quickly.

 

All that shines pretty and captures the light, the attention, showing off the outer parts, it falls. The lesson came after I read those words.

I must choose to fall. Choose to die to everything except the work of God in my life. But I want to hold on to the colorful, the bright, the eye-catching, ah...the glory, really. Glory for me.

Watching this process of change every year is beautiful, yet when He calls me to change, it's less beautiful, more of a sense of loss. Loss is good, dying to self is beautiful.

Pieces of me falling, did you see that bright orange one? That dose of humility at work, motivating me to take ownership of the oversight. Or how about the red hot one, the one that fell hard - apologizing to my Love. Again. The yellow one won't give just yet - that one full of resentment and the past - it's holding on for dear life in the wind and rain. Don't kid yourself, little bird, He'll get it to drop so that He can work!

It takes mature faith to choose to let self fall, lose color, lose glory. It takes believing that when we die to self, we gain life. He said it. He never lies.  

He is Truth.

For whoever is bent on saving his [temporal] life 

[his comfort and security here] shall lose it [eternal life]; 

and whoever loses his life [his comfort and security here] 

for My sake shall find it [life everlasting].

Matt 16:25 (Amplified)

Sweet one, where do you need to choose to fall, let go, release in order to glorify and grow? 

It's the perfect time to fall. And in His strength, with His power, for His glory, to walk in true life.

 

Just Him

In Christ Alone lyrics
Songwriters: Getty, Julian Keith; Townend, Stuart Richard;

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

He is Life.

The Seedling

I remember the moment clearly.

Knees and feet to the floor. Palms reaching out far, grasping. Elbows planted in carpet. Curtains drawn dark. Worship, loud. Sobbing. Sobbing...He had spoken.

He speaks.

The ache had been burning for 11 months. Eleven dry months of waiting, searching for Water, for Light, for Fire, for anything but sand in the deep place where all of those wrestled-out-yet-unanswered questions had fallen, broken into millions of dusty pieces. I've been asking questions all my life.

There had to be more than what life was, then. Had to be. He made us, me, for more than that. He intended Life, but not that life. Not that dry life.

He is Life.

That burning ember, the one that felt like emptiness, it was Life. Planted by loss, betrayal, unwanted solitude, fear, questions - they were the nourishment for the soil of that seed. Had they not been in that soil, had they not dug the path of that stake into the ground, there would have been no place for the seed. All that died and brought me to my knees that night - the lost dreams, the hopes deferred, the promises broken - used for nourishment of the new birth. I could feel the new birth, that aching burn fueled into fire!

He is Fuel.

Something shifted in that moment, the one I remember. Fire for God, fueled by the knowledge that there was more. The desire to want more, to take off, to do and be something great. For Him. Passion for Him. Through brokenness. He was broken, too, once.

He brought that fire. Only He can birth fire from dust and ash. To be on fire for Him. To use the brokenness, to make fullness from loss. To live for Him. To insist that whatever brings one to her knees can be used for Life.

The moment that I remember was Life. The moment that tears watered the soil I knelt on and planted the seedling of passion for Him. To be used by Him, for Him. To have a fire within me as the fuel for using this life and all that it brings my way, to know His Name and use my talents to grow and help others know Life.

LORD, bring the rain...

If you're into ministry, consider the She Speaks Conference where women connect the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God. For a scholarship opportunity to attend the conference, visit A Holy Experience. Serving Him and His daughters is my heart's passion. As He leads. In His timing. When my harvest is useful.